Understanding anxiety in children and teens. What every parent needs to know

Anxiety in children can show up in surprising ways, tummy aches before school, big meltdowns over small changes, or quiet worry that seems to bubble under the surface. If you’re parenting an anxious child or teen, you’re not alone. Millions of families are right there with you, navigating the ups and downs of child anxiety symptoms and searching for helpful ways forward.

What is Anxiety, Really?

Anxiety is a normal and healthy response to a perceived threat. It’s our brain’s built-in alarm system, designed to keep us safe by helping us prepare for danger. This “fight or flight” response is controlled by a tiny part of the brain called the amygdala. When it senses danger, it triggers physical changes: fast heartbeat, rapid breathing, tense muscles, upset stomach, all so we can react quickly.

For anxious kids, though, this alarm system is often too sensitive. It goes off even when there’s no real danger; like before a test, at drop-off, or during a party. Their brains are trying to protect them, but it feels awful.

What Does Anxiety Look Like in Kids and Teens?

Anxiety doesn’t always look like worry. It can show up as:

• Meltdowns or tantrums
• Avoidance (not wanting to go to school, sleepovers, or start learning how to drive)
• Perfectionism or fear of making mistakes
• Tummy aches, headaches, or trouble sleeping
• Clinginess or seeking constant reassurance
• Irritability or anger

Sometimes these behaviours can be mistaken for defiance or laziness. But often, they’re your child’s way of saying, “I’m not okay. I need help.”

Why Understanding Anxiety Changes Everything

When kids don’t understand anxiety, it feels scary and out of control. They might think something is wrong with them. But when they learn that anxiety is common, treatable, and rooted in brain biology, not a character flaw, they begin to feel relief. And when you, as a parent, understand it too, you become their greatest ally.

Think of it this way: anxiety is like having an overly sensitive smoke alarm. It’s meant to go off when there’s fire, but sometimes it screeches at burnt toast. Understanding this helps kids realise, “Ah, my alarm is going off, but it doesn’t mean I’m in danger.”

What Can Parents Do?

1. Validate First, Problem-Solve Later
Before jumping into solutions, start with empathy. Try saying:

• “I can see this is really hard for you.”
• “Anxiety feels awful, doesn’t it?”
• “I’m here, and we’ll figure this out together.”

Validation helps kids feel understood, which is calming in itself.

2. Teach Them What Anxiety Is
Use simple metaphors. For example:
“Your mind is like a weather forecast. Some days it’s sunny, other days stormy. But storms pass, and the sun is still there, just like your calm self beneath the anxious thoughts.”

3. Normalise Intrusive Thoughts
All kids (and adults!) have strange, scary, or upsetting thoughts sometimes. These “bad thoughts” don’t mean anything about who they are. Remind them:
“Thoughts are just thoughts. We don’t have to believe them or do what they say.”

4. Help Them Build Thinking Skills
Teach kids to notice their thoughts, this is called metacognition. Use tools like “thought bubbles” or naming the mind (e.g., “What’s George saying today?”) to help kids create distance from their thoughts.

5. Tackle Avoidance Gently
Avoiding anxiety-provoking situations feels good in the short term, but it makes anxiety stronger over time. Support your child with gradual steps (known as “step-laddering” or ERP), always with empathy and encouragement.

6. Practice Calming Techniques Together
Breathing exercises, mindfulness, movement, and routines all help dial down the anxiety response. One simple strategy is square breathing: breathe in for 4, hold for 4, out for 4, hold for 4.

7. Care for Yourself Too
Anxiety is contagious, and it’s hard to stay calm when your child is melting down. Your wellbeing matters. Taking care of yourself is not selfish, it’s essential.

You’re Not Alone

Anxiety can feel overwhelming for the whole family. But with the right support, tools, and understanding, anxious kids can thrive. They can learn to live full, meaningful, brave lives, even with anxiety in the background.

And you, dear parent, are a powerful part of that journey. Your calm presence, empathy, and commitment to learning are already making a difference.

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